25. Cleveland Cavaliers

  My dad is a chemical engineer, my mom is an accountant. and my brother is an aerospace engineer. I am a creative writing major; what went wrong? I’m like the, “none of the above” option on a Scantron. But even though my last math class was senior year of high school (a firm D+ with Mr. Smith) I believe somewhere hidden deep within my genome is an ability to understand mathematics that has simply been hibernating my entire life. Until now…

            I call it the, “Value of a Superstar Formula.” The very specific and very scientific method to find out just how well a team will be able to cope the year after their superstar departs. The NBA has 10 superstars, they are as follows:

Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Dwight Howard, Derron Williams, Chris Paul, Rajon Rondo, Derrick Rose, and Carmelo Anthony.

First, if you find the average record of these players’ teams from 2009-2010 (Chris Paul being left out since injured) you get:

52.33333

Then you take the average record of the fifteen teams that have the next tier stars, starting at the Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki level and ending at the Rip Hamilton, Andre Iguodola range. Important note in the calculation, factor the Toronto Raptors into this mix since they had Chris Bosh for 2009-2010 and leave out New York Knicks since they didn’t have Amar’e yet. The resulting number is:  

40.6875

Finally you take the average record of the bottom five teams, giving you:

21.6

Now round all the numbers up and down and feel free to add/subtract 1-5 since this was compiled by an English major and here’s the formula you set up:

(How many wins the average superstar team had) – (the five sucky NBA teams average record) = (How many wins a superstar is responsible for)

So… 52-22 = 30 wins

Also for the hell of if factor out the value of the 2nd tier star:

41-22 = 19

Here’s some examples of how the system works:

Take Durant (30 wins) off of the Thunder (50 wins) and Oklahoma City is back down to a 20 win, NBA Draft Lottery team.

Or if you take Kobe Bryant (30 wins) off of the Lakers team (57 wins) you’re now down to a 27 win squad. However, since Pau Gasol is a 2nd tier star (19 wins) then the Lakers are back up to 46 wins (19+27 = 46).

Finally the Miami Heat. LeBron James (30 wins) + Dwyane Wade (30 wins) + Chris Bosh (19 wins) – (5 for fuzzy English math) – (4 for Pat Riley not coaching) = 70 wins, which could very well be true.

This means that the Cavaliers will probably win 30 games next year putting them as the 25th best team in the NBA, but secretly the 12th best in the Eastern Conference. Best case scenario for the Cavs? Overachieve to the 40 win range and get the 8 seed for the playoffs. Imagine game three against the Miami Heat in Cleveland. Strange things happen in the playoffs, remember the 76ers stole one from the Lakers before getting swept in Allen Iverson’s lone trip to the finals. If the Cavs get beat 4-1 and lose each game by 40 points but win one game against LeBron in Cleveland, there will be celebration in the streets, this time with cars burning (and maybe still LeBron jerseys) East Lansing style.

PG Mo Williams

            Rumor is he almost quit when he found out LeBron wasn’t coming back to play. Let’s see if he can embrace a new Byron Scott offense that has worked well for Jason Kidd and Chris Paul in the past and emerge as a leader for this team.

SG Ramon Sessions

            A little bit too late. Insert him on the 2009-2010 team instead of Delonte “he-did-what-to-LeBron’s-mom?!?” West and maybe they win the championship and LeBron stays put. Insert him on the 2010-2011 and his statistics will balloon up to 13-15 ppg.

SF Antawn Jamison

            Jamison and Rashard Lewis are two small forwards who never should be playing power forward guarding Kevin Garnett in the playoffs. Post LeBron Cleveland expect Jamison to slide over to the more fitting small forward position and return to a more normal Jamison level.

PF JJ Hickson

            What if he’s really good? Then Cavs fans will once again wonder what if he played more in 2009-2010? Would we still have LeBron ?-(

C Anderson Varejao

            Best Bill Walton quote of all time was during a Cavs game a few years ago when Varejao was playing for Cleveland and Joakim Noah was well, still playing for the Florida Gators and after Varejao finished a somewhat athletic put back and received praise from the other announcer along the lines of, “Hey Bill, he kinda looks like Joakim Noah out there,” Walton quickly responded, “No, no, Varejao is not half the player Joakim Noah is right now.” Varejao and Noah are both frustratingly good and a case can be made for both of them to be top 5 centers in the league.