My Night With Mrs. Tiger Woods

I met her at the bar last night

As I recall she was wearin’ white

I ordered her rum, she drank a sprite

I asked, “How are you?” She said, “Alright.”

After we downed some expensive beer

She said, “Hey man, let’s get out of here.”

I grabbed my keys and she grabbed her gear

She was bubbly, and I was full of fear

I started the car, she lit a smoke

She turned on the radio, I told a joke

I filled up the gas, she bought a coke

Asked me to pay, but I said I’m broke

She looked at me quite probingly

Then asked, “Do you recognize me?”

I shook my head quite honestly

I didn’t know who this girl could be

She flashed her ring and I rubbed my eyes

I had never seen a diamond that size

She told me her husband was full of lies

Threw it out the window much to my surprise

“It doesn’t make much sense to me,

The cheating basterd, Mr. Nike.

He cheated on me with a VH1 dirty,

I’m a hole in one, she’s not even a birdie”

As she kept on pouring her heart out to me

I was trying to find out who her husband could be

Was it Mickleson? Maybe it was Jon Daly?

Either way, my head’ll soon be on a tee

She gave me directions back to their house

I said, “Hey wait, what about your spouse?”

She smiled at me and adjusted her blouse

She was the cheese and I was the mouse

She told me that if I came inside

I’d be in for one hell of a ride

I couldn’t say no even if I tried

Even though she was some golfer’s bride

I walked in the front door and then I found

Something that made my head spin around

I saw some pictures smashed on the ground

My stomach dropped, my heart began to pound

In the pile of pictures and shattered glass

Next to all the letters and the burning ash

Was the only golfer with muscle mass

It was Tiger Woods ready to whoop my ass

She came to me and asked, “What’s the matter?”

I picked up the pictures like I was holding a platter

I was trying hard to control my bladder

Thoughts running wild like I was Mad Hatter

“You didn’t tell me your husband was him!

The only golfer who hits the gym!

My chances to survive him are very slim

Why can't he be Anthony Kim!

She smiled at me trying to calm me down

Assured me that Tiger was out of town

Which was code for him sleeping around

And she threw another picture frame to the ground

She showed me the bed said that’s where we’ll sleep

I had a feeling we won’t be counting sheep

And then I heard a car horn beep

She said, “Don’t worry, that’s the neighbor’s Jeep.”

She turned on some music, I lit a candle

I poured her a drink, she drank the handle

She sat on the bed taking off her sandals

When the news finds out, this will be a scandal

She came at me, and we started to kiss

Then I heard Tiger’s voice, “Who the hell is this?”

I turned around said, “My name is Chris.”

He lunged at me, and I made him miss

I ran down the stairs and then out the door

Sprinting faster than I’ve ever run before

I don’t run very much, I don’t work the core

By the end of the driveway I was kinda sore

I looked behind and saw him in his truck

I yelled a word and it rhymes with duck

My shoes were untied, that’s just my luck

I’m about to die, this really sucks

But then I heard a resounding crash

Saw his wife run outside in a panicked dash

She drilled the back window I heard a smash

I offered to help but she just gave me cash

She said, “Hey Chris, run far away,

It’s really not good for you to stay

Here’s some money to spend on your way

I’m sure that he will be okay.”

“I’ll call for help,” I said I could

She shook her head and said, “It’s all good.”

I looked around and put up my hood

And that was my night with Mrs. Tiger Woods