The Expendables

The most anticipated game of the NBA season has been scheduled for Christmas Day. The Staples Center will be filled with the biggest stars in the NBA performing for the biggest names in entertainment. When the Lakers take the court against the Heat there will be three for sure hall of famers (Kobe, Wade, LeBron), three to four maybes (Gasol, Bosh, Bynum, Artest), and two instant hall of fame coaches (Pat Riley will be on the bench by this point). The first row will look straight out of the Academy Awards, filled with Nicholson and his mysterious white haired buddy, Sly Stallone and Dicaprio (who will quickly realize they have nothing to talk about), and Tom Cruise jumping onto his seat in excitement at every defensive three seconds call. The price tag for their seats?

22,942 dollars.

      I think my goal in life is to make enough money that I could drop 20 grand on a basketball game and feel no pain whatsoever. Actually, scratch that, my goal in life is to make enough money that I could buy out the entire first row, fill it with homeless people, all just to see viewers scratching their head at the T.V. wondering, “How the hell did they get those seats?”

         Imagine the celeb cam panning through the first row unsure if these were actually stars or not. "Did the Derelicte campaign gain momentum?" The image on the screen would bounce from one bearded man to the next with the caption “Joakim Phoenix?” underneath. I could see this being the next big reality T.V. show. You would have Ty Pennington go around big cities presenting the tickets to homeless families and capture the reactions on camera. It would always consist of the children running around in joy at the news of being able to see Kobe while the parents would stare angrily at the camera crew thinking, “You could’ve built me a f:-0ing house.”

        But a Los Angeles Lakers ticket isn't merely access to an event it is a legitimate money making investment. Watching the way the Lakers play has inspired the biggest stars for years. Coincidence that Jack Nicholson starred in the 2003 movie Anger Management right after the Spurs knocked the Lakers out of the post-season? How about Tom Cruise rebooting the Mission Impossible franchise the same year the Lakers will take on the super Heat? Chris Rock uses his ticket as a chance to test out new material while Andy Garcia uses his to determine if people still recognize who he is and whether or not he needs to do another Ocean’s film.

           Last year, Sly Stallone was inspired by the Lakers to embark on a new film loosely based off the oldest winning formula in the NBA. The Expendable Principle. The formula is simple, but few teams have been able to master it. The premise? You build a team around one to three stars then surround them with expendable pieces. Take for example this year’s Lakers team. Kobe and Pau were surrounded by entirely disposable, “expendable” pieces. Ron Artest, who swapped places with the previously expendable Trevor Ariza, was one bad bounce away on that game 7 shot from being swapped back with Houston. Sasha Vujacic’s clutch free throws determined whether or not he’d be shipped back to eastern Europe to join Slave Medevinko and Vladimir Radmanovic. Lamar Odom is one ill advised shot away from being shipped to Toronto.

        Even guys like Derek Fisher and Andrew Bynum are expendable in the Lakers system. Bynum was rumored to be in trade mixes for Chris Bosh while Derek Fisher watched the organization attempt to explain to him that they just didn’t have much money left after giving Steve Blake 16 million. The first three peat by the Lakers was built the same way. Surround Kobe and Shaq with Devean George and Rick Fox. Rick Fox is the definition of an expendable piece. If the Expendable players had their own league he would be the logo.

         Other teams have been successful with the formula too. The 2008 Celtics, the 2006 Miami Heat, and the Jordan Bulls all figured out the secret and brought in the Sam Cassells, the Luke Longleys, and the James Poseys of the league. In fact the reason the Detroit Pistons from 2004 only won one title instead of three or four is because they didn’t have any expendable pieces. You take away Ben Wallace or Sheed or Billups and suddenly you have what happened last year. The great NBA teams contain guys that you are ready to send away as soon as they make a mistake. Or for guys like Trevor Ariza, sent away even after they help you win a title. Cold? Heartless? Maybe, but the Expendable Principle is the most tried and true formula in the NBA.

        But can it transfer outside of basketball? Absolutely. Disney has been doing it for the last twenty years. When Britney Spears became too old, just insert Lizzie McGuire. Once Hillary Duff hit 18, no problem, bring in Hannah Montana. And when Miley finally can’t be tamed, no sweat, insert Justin Bieber.

         Christopher Nolan built Inception around the Expendable Principle too. Leonardo Dicaprio’s character is the most expendable piece in cinematic history. He’s like the 2006 Shaq on the Miami Heat, he thought he was the key piece while Dwyane Wade and Udonis Haslem actually had to do the work. Think about Leo’s character, while the 500 Days of Summer guy was tying people up in the space shuttle room and the other guy was figuring out how to insert the phrase into Scarecrow’s mind, Leo’s contribution was, “Hey guys, my wife might show up and ruin everything and Asian guy you might be stuck here for good, but I’ll just go in the other room and take a nap for a lil bit.”

       The Beatles had Ringo Starr, the Rat Pack had Peter Lawford, and Saved By The Bell had Lisa Turtle. The Expendable Principle is hidden in almost every great team ever assembled. When Sly Stallone saw the light he went home immediately and began work on The Expendables script. The problem he made was building the team entirely out of Expendable pieces.

       For example, imagine the All NBA Expendable Team. Here’s the starting five:

Point Guard: Andre Miller

The veteran point guard has been tried next to Carmello Anthony, Andre Iguodola, and now Brandon Roy. Andre Miller is a solid piece giving teams a reliable point guard and will find his way to play on contenders for the rest of his career. Problem is teams will continue to be four or five seeds with Miller at the point and will look to trade him for the “one missing piece” only to slowly fall out of the playoff picture the following year. If the Trailblazers don’t make it to the Western Conference Finals this year look for Portland to try and use Andre Miller as trade bait in a Chris Paul or Carmello Anthony package.

Shooting Guard: Mike Miller

Mike Miller is the pure shooting white guy that has been a staple of championship teams for years. Best-case scenario for the Miami Heat, Mike Miller becomes their Steve Kerr. However, if it’s game 7 against the Lakers and the Heat are down by two points and somehow LeBron, Wade, and Bosh are all double-teamed and Haslem is also covered, Mike Miller will be in charge of shooting the game winning, glory filled three pointer. If he misses the shot look for Pat Riley to swap him for J.J. Redick the next season as part of the W.A.F.T.A program (White American Free Trade Agreement).

Small Forward: Shawn Marion

Shawn Marion is one of the most Expendable pieces in the entire NBA. He has been paired next to Steve Nash, Amare, D-Wade, Chris Bosh, and now Dirk Nowitzki. Even though he has no rings yet, his awkward chest shot is destined to hit a game winner in the NBA Finals. Here’s how it will happen:

At the All-Star break, the Boston Celtics will realize they are lacking depth at the small forward position. They will hop on the phone with the Mavericks and setup the following exchange. Boston will send Rasheed Wallace’s expired contract, a future draft pick, and a pile of cash to Dallas for Shawn Marion and Antoine Walker’s contract from 2004. This all falls under the Cash for Clunkers program in the NBA. The Mavericks free up cap space to go after another superstar while Boston is able to retire Antoine Walker’s jersey and insert Shawn Marion to hit the game winning shot off a Rondo pass after Ray Allen has fouled out.

Power Forward: Lamar Odom

It took the league a while to figure Lamar Odom out. When he first came into the league, the Clippers thought they had stumbled upon the second coming of Magic Johnson and were ready to build their franchise around him. After this didn’t work out, the Miami Heat thought maybe this was the Expendable piece to put next to D-Wade. The team was good, but when the possibility of Shaq arrived, Odom was sent out to the Lakers. Previously Odom was an unwieldy 6’10 sized puzzle piece that no one could figure out how to fit in until Kobe simply forced the piece into the puzzle through pure force. If the Lakers lose to the Heat in the finals look for them to explore shipping Odom away for a point guard or back-up center.

Center: Eric Dampier

Eric Dampier is the missing piece to a puzzle that has yet to be created. At 6’11, 265 lbs. Dampier provides the size in the middle that contenders will covet for the next five years. Look for either the Heat, Lakers, Magic, Thunder, or Utah Jazz to go after him at some point during the year.

Head Coach: Rick Carlisle.

Bring in Rick Carlisle to take your team to the verge of a title then bring in Larry Brown the next season to get it done. 

        Put this team together and they are a guaranteed lottery team, maybe an 8 seed in the East at best. But if you put a Kobe or D-Wade in the center of this cluster cuss suddenly you have a multiple championship caliber team that can sell their courtside tickets for 22,942 dollars.