But anyways, I watched the movie, I loved the movie, but I was caught in the purgatorial position that Jim Gaffigan talks about when you like an older movie, but you can never bring it up into conversation.
“Hey I just saw Almost Famous!”
“Hey that’s… almost interesting.”
But as much as I enjoyed the movie (if you haven’t seen it, go rent it) there was one part of the film that I couldn’t figure out. Russell Hammond, the star musician in the movie, was played by an actor who looked extremely familiar. Not until the final credits did I realize where I had seen this actor before.
Russell Hammond from Almost Famous played by...
Adam Morrison?
It was Adam Morrison, acclaimed actor from the 2010 documentary, “Pretending To Be An NBA Player on the Lakers bench”
Many websites and magazines rank “Almost Famous” as one of the top 10 movies of the last 10 years, so I came in with extremely high expectations. My expectations after watching it were not only met but exceeded, which is weird because normally extremely hyped movies don’t live up to their expectations, they’re kinda like… well, world cup soccer.
Maybe it’s just the fact that I’m used to an NBA Finals that has lived up to all of the hype, but something about this year's World Cup has been lacking. Take for example the USA vs. England game.
“The biggest match in U.S. soccer in 60 years! The Great Rivalry! This is the match we’ve all been waiting for!”
1-1 tie.
The only event worth writing about from that game was a goalie gooning out on his own goal. Could you imagine Pau Gasol dunking on the wrong hoop to tie up the Game 7?? Kobe truly would go Hannibal Lector at that point.
"Kobe it was a simple mistake! Please!"
"It's the last one you will ever make."
But I figured, well that’s not fair of me to give up after only one game, there’ll be plenty more to enjoy, I mean who didn’t love the 2006 World Cup? So I set my alarm for the early game (10 a.m. in the summer is asking for a lot Fifa) and I could barely fall asleep in anticipation of Didier Drogba versus Christiano Ronaldo. This was the Kobe vs. Pierce, Brady vs. Manning, Gaga vs. Swift caliber matchup and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I slept through it. But instead of Kobe vs. Pierce, I got Bynum vs. Pierce. Drogba playing the role of Bynum battling through injury to give us 20 minutes of playing time and Ronaldo playing Pierce, not the game five 2010 Pierce or the ’08 finals MVP side of Pierce, but the fall down, hold-my-leg-searching-for-a-call-wheel-me-off-the-court side of Pierce. And unlike the riveting USA vs England high scoring affair, this one ended in a 0-0 tie.
But there was still hope, because in only a few hours the mighty Brazillian team would take the field. This was the moment I had been waiting for. Only four short years ago I was like many who hopped on the Brazillian bandwagon. I bought the street cred Ronaldinho jersey, I left church early to watch the games, and I even became so in love with their style of play that I too wanted to showcase my moves in the newly formed Grab Bag Soccer League. My love for Brazil ran deeper than any normal bandwagonner, I went and spent 10 days in Juis De Fora Brazil, scored a goal on a group of 8-12 year olds (an 8 year old Brazillian is the equivalent of an MLS player), and even had what can loosely be considered a Brazillian romance.
Brazil truly loves their soccer
She: "Faça-o falar Portugese"
Me: "Wait, what?"
Me: "Wait, what?"
And now here I was four years later, ready to watch my beloved top ranked Brazillians take on the 105th ranked North Koreans. I was ready to watch a Game 6 NBA Finals type of beatdown, because honestly when I think Brazil the first things that pop into my mind are Pele, Ronaldinho, Kaka, when I think North Korea, well…
Don't even know what to put in this caption.
0-0 at halftime. Are you serious? Oh and no Ronaldinho either. :( . I couldn’t watch anymore, and I definitely couldn’t stand to hear any more of those damn Vuvuzelas.
“But the vuvuzelas aer part of the culture, you can’t get rid of them!”
Part of the culture? Is that really a justifiable argument? I feel like the Boston Celtics should ride this argument, relocate to a nudist colony next year and redefine the term “home-court advantage.” This series would be over by now. You got Jack Nicholson court-side, we got Megan Fox. Uniforms? None. Phil, try convincing your guys to box us out now. Suddenly the same awe-inspiring dunk replayed in slow motion has you hurrying to change the channel and running quick to the bathroom. Hmm, much like the World Cup so far.
“But it's the new ball, it’s the new ball that’s ruining the games.”
Yeah… and? First off, I hate to go from nude dunks to talking about the new ball without something in between, but the new ball fiasco is Fifa’s fault. You don’t introduce a brand new ball for the biggest game of the year. Could you imagine the NFL last year going up to Drew Brees and Peyton Manning before the Super Bowl and saying, “Hey guys, we’re actually gonna play the biggest game of the year with the Nerf Vortex ball made popular by Brett Favre in the late 90's, hope you don’t mind.”
Best Kept Secret is Roger Goodell was planning on using the Nerf Vortex had Brett Favre made it to the Super Bowl. Look it's even Vikings colors!
Suddenly Peyton and Brees both throw for 2,000 yards. Hey at least it’d be high scoring.
“It’s too soon to judge, they have to weed out the lesser teams and get to the elimination rounds. Besides, soccer is best in the Premiere Leagues and Champion Leagues, etc”
Now finally I agree with this point. To anyone who makes the argument that no one likes soccer in America, because MLS isn’t popular doesn’t understand that calling out a soccer fan for not watching MLS is like calling out a basketball fan for not watching D-League basketball or the WNBA. The soccer fans in the United States watch the European leagues, because that’s where the stars are.
For me, my knowledge of the great soccer players is based off of extended Nike and Adidas commercials. Here are the names of who I know are good, not in any type of order:
Messi, Rooney, Beckham, Drogba, Ronaldo, Donovan, Kaka
And my understanding of the soccer teams out there are:
Chelsea, Real Madrid, Barcelona, Liverpool, Manchester United, AC Milan
When I look at the rosters of these teams, even I can tell they’re stacked with the world’s best players and I can imagine those games might be even better to watch than the World Cup. You condense the world’s best players onto a handful of teams and suddenly you have incredible games. This is why I think the NBA should take a page out of soccer’s book along with the Big 12’s anti-expansion movement and form an even better NBA Finals than the classic we have been enjoying now for the last two weeks.
The Big 12 conference is a group of pioneers. In an age of expansion, they decided to stick with less. Even at 10 teams the conference proudly pounds their chest and wears the title “Big 12.” I feel like the conference could have shrunk down to Kansas, Kansas State and Baylor and the commissioner still would have said, “Dammit I don’t care if we only have one team, we’re still the Big f:-)in’ 12!”
I think it is now time for the NBA to shake things up. The NBA should go from a 30 team league down to, wait for it… 8.
8!?!
I know at first this sounds crazy, but the truth is, there is really not that much parody in the NBA. First off look at the last 12 years of Super Bowl champions: Saints, Steelers, Giants, Colts, Patriots, Buccaneers, Ravens, Rams, Broncos. That is nine champions in 12 years. Now look at the NBA’s all time list. You got Celtics 17, Lakers 15, Bulls 6, Spurs 4, Pistons 3, 76ers 3, Rockets 2, Knicks 2, Heat 1, then a couple other teams who won titles 40 and 60 years ago. In the history of basketball, there really have only been nine relevant teams, and under my proposal they will all remain. Here’s how the new league will look:
Boston Celtics.
They have the most titles so obviously they will remain. And as you will see with the other teams, the roster doesn’t change too much. They keep their stars and bring in guys that are usually from the same general part of the country.
PG Rajon Rondo
SG Ray Allen
SF Ron Artest
PF Kevin Garnett
C Kendrick Perkins
Head Coach: Doc Rivers
As you can see, the team is pretty much the same. They bring in Ron Artest as their answer to shut down Kobe Bryant. As for Paul Pierce, he’ll show up later.
New York 76ers.
The first of the combination teams. The New York Knicks and Philadelphia 76ers used to be amongst the leagues elite so they deserve to keep their teams. However, since they have sucked so much in recent years they had to forfeit something. The two sides, New York and Philadelphia who notoriously hate each other (rent Big Fan), will be forced to cheer for the same team and unite together.
Here’s an idea, try this out with Israel and Palestine. Unite the two countries and form the “Gaza Rabbis.” It’s brilliant. Tag Hillary Clinton in this note and get this project moving!
Actually, it’d be a good plot for the next Apatow film. I can see the trailer now:
From the guy who brought you Superbad, 40 year old virgin, and a shitload of other comedies comes his latest starring Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and that guy who hosted the MTV Movie Awards. “Space Cram: Ballin’ on the Gaza Strip.”
Movie Poster?
World peace and the next great comedy, killin’ 2 birds with one stone.
The New York 76ers roster would be as follows:
PG Brandon Jennings
SG Stephon curry
SF Andre Iguodolu
PF Amare Stodemire
C David Lee
Coach: Larry Brown with D’Antoni
New York and Philadelphia both keep one of their players from their awful teams. Curry and Stoudemire belong in D’Antoni’s system, and Brandon Jennings will put up Steve Nash numbers immediately. Larry Brown was a disaster in New York but he took a disaster 76ers team all the way to the finals, I say the combination works.
Next project: "David Lee Doin' Work"
The Detroit Pissed-off Cavaliers.
Michigan State fans nearly lost Tom Izzo. Cleveland fans will most likely lose Lebron. There is common ground that can be reached here! Izzo doesn’t have to leave Michigan, Lebron still wears a Cavaliers jersey, and both Detroit and Cleveland can combine their economies to form into… well one bigger failing city, but still the possibilities for this team are endless. They can even play half of their games in East Lansing. Here’s the roster:
PG Chauncey Billups
SG Danny Granger
SF Lebron James
PF Chris Bosh
C Ben Wallace
Coach: Tom Izzo
Lebron wants help? How’s Bosh and Granger? Also Detroit looks to relive the ’04 magic with Chauncey at the helm and Ben Wallace guarding the rim.
Deeeeeeeetroiiit Baaaaskeettbaaaall
Chicago Bulls.
PG Derrick Rose
SG Michael Jordan
SF Luol Deng
PF Carlos Boozer
C Joakim Noah
Coach: Jerry Sloan
I don’t know what of that list is more shocking the fact that I kept three of their players or that I snuck Jordan in there too. I figure Jordan still has more game than the #4 SG in the league Marcus Thornton (who?) and Boozer would take this team to much higher than an 8 seed. Sloan, who at 145 years old still needs and deserves a championship, may pull a Phil Jackson here and rattle off six with MJ this time with him on his side.
Jerry Sloan: Why couldn't I be on the other bench?
Russell: He pushed off!
Jordan: Ring.
Russell: He pushed off!
Jordan: Ring.
Miami Heat
Now this may seem unfair since Miami only has one championship ring, but Florida is too nice of a state not to have representation (they’re still bitter about the 2000 election). Here it is:
PG Chris Paul
SG Dwyane Wade
SF Gerald Wallace
PF Al Horford
C Dwight Howard
Coach: Pat Riley
Chris Paul, Horford, and Howard don’t have to move too far to get to Miami. Wade stays put as the franchise player and Gerald Wallace, although no one can say they’ve ever seen him play, is supposed to be really good. Pat Riley comes back to the bench to extend his legacy.
Houston Spurs
San Antonio has more rings, but Houston has more people. The pairing makes sense.
PG Steve Nash
SG Brandon Roy
SF Dirk Nowitski
PF Tim Duncan
C Yao Ming
Coach: Gregg Poppovich
This team may have the most talent and reads almost like a mid 2000’s all-star team. Average height is near 7 feet and Steve Nash, Brandon Roy will provide the excitement that Tim Duncan usually sucks dry out of the gym.
Los Angeles Lakers
Once again the roster doesn’t look too different:
PG Derron Williams
SG Kobe Bryant
SF Carmello Anthony
PF Pau Gasol
C Healthy Bynum
Coach: Phil Jackson
Suddenly Kobe’s chasing Bill Russell for most rings and Phil is approaching number 20.
And the 8th and final team will be the Kansas City Thunder. This team will be run by me as the self appointed General Manager and the roster will be filled with former Jayhawks + Kevin Durant + Player-Coach John Stockton.
For those of you who think this is nonsense, I’ll quickly point out that James Naismith invented the game of basketball in the state of Kansas. He also was a coach at KU (but surprisingly not a good one, you would think the inventor of the game might have the edge). And look at it this way. Michigan State fans feared they might lose their coach, Cleveland fans are still trembling that the King may leave, the MidWest almost lost an entire conference and us Jayhawks fans are still recovering from our anxiety attacks surrounding the idea that we were moving to the Mountain West. The Midwest needs this team. Look at this map below:
Wait, Red is for McCain? How'd Obama win?!
See that big block of red states in the middle? That’s the Midwest. You know what they all have in common besides the belief that the 90-year old John McCain could bring better hope to the country than Obama? No NBA team. You take the Oklahoma City Thunder away and you might as well chop off half the Big 12 to the Pac 10 and the other half to the Big 10. Here’s the roster:
PG John Stockton
SG Kirk Heinrich
SF Paul Pierce
PF Kevin Durant
C Nick Collison
Coach: John Stockton
Oklahoma City gets to keeps two of their players, Jayhawks fans can bury our ’97 and ’03 wounds with a ring, and the entire Midwest has a team to rally around. John Stockton, who also deserves and needs a ring, will pull it all together drawing up the plays and running the point.
This is the new NBA. Instead of the 82 game season that drags on and on with little meaning to each game, you have in its place a 28 game season (each team plays each other four times) that would make even the college football season seem boring. Every night the court would be filled with the world’s greatest and the NBA Finals would be even better than the one this year. For the other 22 teams, their players might find their way to the benches of these teams and other teams, such as the Nets, Clippers, Kings could keep their same rosters and join the D-League. The Russian Billionaire probably won’t like this, and in turn will purchase the entire NBA. I’m fine with it.
“But what about the fans! We’d lose our home town teams!”
I am a huge NBA fan and I have probably gone to a total of four games in my life. As you may have picked up on, I loved the Utah Jazz when I was younger, but I’ve never even touched foot in the state. Meanwhile, a Jayhawks loss in March ruins my entire spring, but even then I have only been to a dozen KU games. At this point in 2010 with broadcasts on television and internet as big as they are, you don’t need to be located in the same state to follow your favorite team. It’s like soccer fans in the U.S., any Chelsea or Barcelona fan here has probably never been to their stadiums, maybe they haven’t even crossed overseas, but they follow the team just as well as anyone. The NBA will continue to make money and probably more because now people will be watching the regular season and not just the playoffs. Hell I would probably buy NBA TV and ESPN maybe BIG 12 network and I’d be set. You don’t have to be near your favorite team to love them as much as someone who lives a block away from the stadium. Plus the way its set up the east coast has Boston and New York, the Atlantic coast has the Miami team, great lakes states area have Detroit or Chicago, Midwest has Kansas City, south has Houston, and the west coast has the Lakers. It fits perfectly.
If you noticed (if you’re still reading thanks for the dedication) in this eight team, elite league, 20% of the starters are from either Boston or Los Angeles. That’s not a mistake. This series has been as good as advertised, because the best players are playing and living up to their hype. That’s why World Cup doesn’t sit well with most American fans, we are used to sporting events living up and exceeding the hype. Celtics Lakers supposed to go to a game 7, it has. Kobe Bryant supposed to be at MJ levels, he’s been pretty damn close. Steven Strassberg supposed to be the next superstar? Looks like he’s already there. Stanley Cup this year, great. And meanwhile the NFL has the GDP of a small country.
In American sports more often than not the games and the players live up to the hype. That is why we love basketball, we say we still love baseball, and we really, really love football. As for the real futbol catching on in the United States, until it lives up to the hype, it will still remain Almost Famous.
Enjoy Game 7!
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