So now that the NBA season is a month away, I plan on posting up a ranking 30-1 on the NBA teams, one a day, till oct. 26 (or when I forget to put up one some day and ruin it all). Here's the worst team in the NBA:
#30 Toronto Raptors
After the Toronto Raptors lost Chris Bosh and Hedo Turkoglu my knowledge of their roster officially went from two players to zero. After I completed a Google search, I learned that their new team is now being built around Jose Calderon and Andrea Bargnani.
Calderon and Bargnani are like those two foreign films you find at Family Video whose DVD case is covered in Cannes film festival, Sundance film festival, and/or any other fancy film festival’s feathery parentheses that immediately imply that you are not intellectually apt to appreciate their artwork. If you don’t appreciate their style of play, you are obviously too unenlightened and should return to your And 1 mix-tape viewings and Youtube top 10 dunks of all time. However, if too many fans grow to appreciate these two players’ artistic, European, baloncesto resulting in Calderon and Bargnani jerseys flooding the North American streets, suddenly they will become like the Beatles where the true fans distinguish themselves from the bandwagoners by blasting “Across the Universe” or “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” on their vinyl record players drowning their dorm-room neighbors blaring, “She Loves You Ya Ya Ya” on a knock off version of an I-Home.
This year, Toronto will be the only team in the NBA to have an all foreigner starting line-up. Point Guard Calderon (Spain), Shooting Guard Leandro Barbosa (Brasil), Small Forward Linas Kleiza (Lithuania), Power Forward Bargnani (Italy), and Center Rasho Nesterovic (Slovenia). I think this is a brilliant strategy for Toronto since after all Canada is still secretly a foreign country. The Raptors will finish last place in the NBA this year, but here’s my vision for how they can become a powerhouse.
1) Speak to Steve Nash’s Canadian roots
Much like Pat Riley recruited LeBron James by dumping his Championship rings onto a table and telling the ringless King to try one on, I think Toronto General Manager Jerry Colangelo should put a steaming cup of Tim Horton’s coffee and a bottle of maple syrup in front of Nash and ask, “How a boat we go play some hockey eh?” Nash will soon realize he’s spent too much time in the desert and will return to his native land.
2) “We’re Kinda like Europe”
Toronto needs to continue to sell the idea of Canada as not being a counterfeit USA but being a slightly colder version of Europe. They can start by pitching this idea to German Dirk Nowitzki and even offer to play several of their home games in Berlin. Then they can approach Pau Gasol, Marc Gasol, and Rudy Fernandez sell them on the idea of playing with Spanish teammate Calderon and also offer to play ten home games in Madrid. Suddenly the Raptors will look like an All Star team of all that is foreign.
3) Free Health Care
This is the big one. Florida and Texas can throw out the incentive to their players that there is no state income tax, Colorado and California can offer pretty much legalized marijuana, but only Toronto can offer free health care. Injury prone players like Yao Ming and Manu Ginobli no longer have to decide between undergoing surgery or buying groceries for their family. Plus this adds two more foreigners to the squad.
4) Drinking Age
Want to know why Ricky Rubio hasn’t come to play in the NBA yet? Who the hell wants to be 19 years old in Minnesota? You’d be sitting at 2-25, you just get done receiving a 45 point schlacking to the Los Angeles Lakers, on your home court, you head out into -20 degree weather, and then can only order a Dr. Pepper at the bar later that night. Rubio hasn’t turned down Minnesota for good, he’s just waiting for a time when he can swallow their miserable seasons with a glass of hard whiskey.
Could you imagine John Wall or DeMarcus Cousins getting an M.I.P? I picture the policeman handing the M.I.P ticket over to John Wall and Wall just shaking his head and handing it right back. Or imagine Cousins sitting in a room full of Mipped high schoolers learning about why drinking before age 21 will ruin his chances at becoming successful.
“DeMarcus if you ever plan on going back and completing your degree and then applying for medical school you might not get in.”
“Bitch, I signed for more money in my rookie season then you will see in a lifetime.”
But anyways, this could be a huge selling point for young foreign players. “Come play for the Raptors and you can go party after the games!”
Finally the Toronto Raptors change their name to the “Global Raptors” and begin their league dominance. With a starting lineup of Steve Nash, Manu Ginobli, Dirk Nowitzki, Pau Gasol, and Yao Ming they will become a dominant force and increase NBA ratings worldwide.
Verdict?
12-20 wins this season.
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